What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 04:03
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I have no regrets .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why do many women like tall men?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I will be 64.
I could never make a relationship work though!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why does the God of the Bible condemn homosexual acts?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One cannot live in the past .
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My life is so biszare .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She wouldn,t have been !
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it wasn’t much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was scared of men, in general
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
Im still living with it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So whats the point in blame.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Who then, do I blame.?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Would this be the day?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So, i spoilt her more .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was 9 years of age.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
He knew the spot.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.